My Immortal: It's So Bad, You'll Be Clawing Your Eyes Out
by MagicalValkyrie
Summary: I'm new to and apparently doing commentaries on bad fanfics is good. So, I decided to bring you a commentary of the worst fanfiction ever made. And if I don't survive, please kill My Immortal's author. Thank you for your generosity. You'll be making the world a better place. Please review! :) PS: In the list of characters, unknown 1 is Ebony.
1. The Stupid Personality Description

**DISCLAIMER:I don't own these characters or this story (thank** _ **GOD**_ **)** **which was written by an idiot. Now give me a second, I need to brace myself for the stupidness to come...**

 **Me=Bold** Awful story=Normal

My Immortal

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way **Since when has gayness been 'ew'?** ) raven, bloodytearz666, for helpin me wif da story and spelling. **Oh, if only Raven could've helped this idiot with the spelling seen here... Or, y'know, shot him/her after reading the first chapter. Life would've been so much better.** U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX! **God, it hasn't even started and I already hate it. Sigh...**

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way **Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, your parents are stupid. Like the idiot who wrote this abomination of a fanfic.** and I have long ebony black hair **Ebony** _ **means**_ **black. Just saying.** (thats how I got my name **Hands up if you guessed. Or comment in the... uh... comments.** ) with purple streaks and red tips and light blue eyes like limpid tears **What. The...** and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee **Minus the pink. And the intelligence. And everything. SO IN REALITY, YOU ARE NOTHING LIKE AMYLEE33!** (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. **Oh, I get it! You want to be incestuous! Lol! Hahahahah-that's not funny.** I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school, called Hogwarts in England **OK IF YOU'RE GOING TO DO A HP FANFIC, GET YOUR FACTS RIGHT! HOGWARTS IS IN SCOTLAND, NOT ENGLAND, IDIOT!** where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). **Ok, remember that. Jot it down if you have to.** I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear black a lot. **Again, hands up if you could tell. Or comment. Whatever.** I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. **YOU. ARE. A. VAMPIRE! WHY WOULD YOU GO INTO A HUMAN SHOP?! WHAT IF YOU GO ON A BLOOD RAMPAGE?!** For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. **If that's not a slutty 'goffik' outfit, I don't know what is.** I was **#SuddenTenseChange** wearing black lipstick, white foundation, **Your skin is already really pale? Why do you- I give up.** black eyeliner and red eyeshadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. **I REPEAT! YOU. ARE. A. VAMPIRE! EVEN IF IT'S NOT SUNNY, WALKING OUTSIDE COULD KILL YOU! On second thoughts, keep walking.** A lot of preps stared at me. I put my middle finger up at them. **They're probably just staring because that's what people do, or because they are wondering how a vampire can walk _outside!_**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was... Draco Malfoy! **This has _got_ to be a different Draco.**

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. **Then why did you say hi?! Dear god! You're meant to be smart now! And if you say it's because they were friends then what is the point of THIS:**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **WHAT THE F*CK!**

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! **No. That was the worst 1st chapter ever.**


	2. The Stupid Conversation

**DISCLAIMER:I don't own these characters or this story (thank** _ **GOD**_ **)** **which was written by an idiot. Now give me a second, I need to brace myself for the stupidness to come...**

 **Me=Bold** Awful story=Normal

My Immortal

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flamin ma story ok! **Wow. I wish they taught this MFL (Modern Foreign Language) in schools. That would be... interesting, to say the least.**

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. **This is extremely stupid. Who gives a vampire blood in a school full of kids! You know they go on a rampage after A. Having too much blood OR B. Not having enough blood! GUH!** My coffin was black ebony **Again, ebony _means_ black! Come. ON! ** and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. **Itchy. Also, isn't pink a 'prep' colour?** I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. **This is terrible grammar. _I put on this, this and this on._ Hahahaha! Also, WHO CARES? **I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, **Normally, to put earrings in, your ears _have_ to be pierced. ** and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) **You have friends? No way. Absolutely no way.** woke up and then grinned at me. She flipped her waist-long raven black **Raven also means black. -_-** hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. **Aren't her eyes already open if she's grinning at you?** She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets, and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner). **Again, WHO CARES?**

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. **Why are you talking about this 12+ hours after it happened! Also, she can talk to whoever she wants. Sadly.**

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me. ***sarcasm generator is turned on* Oh wow! What an incredible event that totally wouldn't happen in real life!**

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **I thought you so fucking didn't like him! Oh no! *still really sarcastic, turns sarcasm generator off***

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. **M** **uggles? In Hogsmeade? Pfffff... Hahahahahaha! Nope.**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Well... do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped... **Hello? Ebony? Anyone home? There's a thing called an answer! Learn what it is!**


	3. The Stupid Concert

**DISCLAIMER:I don't own these characters or this story (thank** _ **GOD**_ **)** **which was written by an idiot. Now give me a second, I need to brace myself for the stupidness to come...**

 **Me=Bold** Awful story=Normal

My Immortal

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwise fangz 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reviews. **There is no way you got good reviews.** FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. **Yet more of that amazing spelling.**

On the night of the concert I put on **HELP.** my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. **NO-ONE CARES WHAT YOU WEAR! STOP DESCRIBING IT!** I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. **:O** I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding **Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't she slit her wrist to stop her feeling depressed? So why would she read a depressing book to make her depressed again? Oh yeah, I know why. She's an idiot.** and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. **You have been wearing white foundation for the last 2 chapters!** I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. **I'm still worried about her having blood pretty much on tap in a school full of children.**

I went outside. **I think we're missing something here...** Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. **Did you steal it from Ron? How dare you, you stupid pineapple!** He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the concert too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). **Not in my country/continent/world/universe.**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **YOU ARE GOING ON A DATE WITH 17-YEAR-OLD DRACO MALFOY WHO IS PRETTY HOT! WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DEPRESSED? OH YEAH, BECAUSE YOU ARE A MARY SUE!**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz **,** **hitting my head on the roof as I did so because I'm too stupid to realize you can't walk into a car,** (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. **"Because that's cool, fabulous and incredibly healthy!" I say sarcastically.** When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood

They're all so happy you've arrived

The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom

She sets you free into this life." **Happy lyrics.** sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).

"Joel is so f*cking hot." I said to Draco, **You are on a date! You do not say that on a date, you Mary Sue!** pointing to him as he sung, filling the club **So you're in a club now?** with his amazing voice. **Also, no. He's ugly. SO UGLY!**

Suddenly Draco looked sad. **I wonder why?!**

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. **The slutty Mary Sue doesn't realize that she just told her date that she thinks someone else is hot.** Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said. **Keep telling yourself that, Ebony.**

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **Bag grammar.**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary f*cking Duff. I f*cking hate that b*tch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **A face cannot be blonde.**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, **AAAnd it's a concert again!** we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. **It's highly unlikely that Ebony and Draco would be able to actually _talk_ to them.** We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz **because we were so p*ssed we couldn't even walk** , but Draco didn't go back to Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into... the Forbidden Forest! ***sarcastic gasp* Also, correct me if I'm wrong but the Forbidden Forest is _in_ the grounds of Hogwarts, isn't it? So you did go back to Hogwarts but not the actual school.**

* * *

 **Thanks for taking the time to read this piece of crap with me. Before you do anything else, you may wish to pick up your brain cells from the table and pop them back in your head. Thanks again, baiiiiiii!**


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